Spankie Jackzon: The People’s Mothertucker

Like many members of the Drag Race fandom, I fell in love in 2022. Drag Race Down Under (DRDU) Season 2 was a welcome surprise after a controversial Season 1, and introduced us to incredible queens – Kween Kong, Hannah Conda, Flor, Yuri Guaii – but there was one queen who won everyone’s hearts. That dastardly mothertucker, that glorious lunatic, New Zealand’s one and only, balmy-in-Palmy, Spankie Jackzon. Raucous. Hilarious. Unpretentious. Compassionate. Open-hearted. A charismatic queen with, at times, questionable fashion sense. The very definition of ‘larger than life’. I’ve never squealed at the television as loud as I did when Spankie was announced the winner of DRDUS2. 

For the next two years, I followed Spankie’s journey – from post-show gigs to Drag Con LA to touring with the BABS girls (Kween Kong and Hannah Conda). She starred in the television show The Boy, the Queen and Everything in Between, guest-judged on Drag Race Down Under Season 4, performed her solo show Just the Tip at Palmy Drag Fest, was a contestant on Celebrity Treasure Island 2024, put together her one-woman-show Spankie’s One Night Stand, and helped people survive the holiday season with her infamous Christmas tree reels – sprinkling joy everywhere she went. 

Then, in late 2024, Spankie went quiet. Social media posts slowed down. The Christmas tree reels were fewer. When asked, ‘What are you looking forward to in 2025?’ in an Instagram Q&A, she replied with a flat, ‘Nothing really’. Then, in an Instagram live a few weeks later, she let down and talked about being thoroughly exhausted, not enjoying drag anymore, experiencing financial stress and struggling to ‘bring the joy’ that people had come to expect from her – that, as a result, she’d retreated to her family home in Fielding, New Zealand, for a drag-free, restorative, soul-searching seven weeks. 

I am so grateful that Spankie accepted my invitation for an interview, her willingness to talk about the often-hidden issues that accompany life as a drag artist, and their impact on her mental health. Despite her idea that people only love and want the maternal version of Spankie, the one who brings them joy and lightness, that is not the only Spankie I admire. I adore her sassy hijinks and bonkers sense of humour, of course, but seeing this side of Spankie – a raw, honest, real, vulnerable side – only made me admire her more.  

Photographer: Richard Wood / Designer: Charismatico Dancewear {Image description: Spankie is dressed as a glamorous fly and is rolling around on garbage bags}

You seemed so disheartened in that Instagram live... 

We call it ‘the fuckening’, you know... I had a great year professionally, but financially there's another side to this game, which is that a lot of that was self-funded. And at the end of the year, I had nothing to show for it financially. It was even a struggle to get home for Christmas, it was touch and go, then I got home and no money in the bank. That's because of self-investment. I'll sit back at the end of it and professionally – it looks so glamorous from the outside – I'm kicking it in the dick professionally, but I'm also taking an awful lot of risk. It's the hustle, you’re constantly trying to climb...  

Literally, I could give up. I was literally, at Christmas time, ‘I've had enough. I can't do it anymore. I don't want to do this anymore’. But it's those points where I feel like I've achieved so much this year, so much. Okay, I’ve got no money in the bank. How am I going to fund the next year? All of my projects I've got in the works, I've already spent money on, which now I need to finish. So, I'm looking at it from that point of view.  

It’s a lot to have in the background of your mind, I imagine, that kind of stress? 

Yeah, 100%. For me, what the biggest struggle has actually been... through my fucking 20s, I was useless, absolutely useless, with money. I couldn't hold a job to save my life because I was too fucking passionate about performing – that's what I was going to do with my life. Then I came home at 30 and since then have been incredibly stable, so to go back into the world of uncertainty, which is entertainment at 40... 

So, you were financially stable because you were working outside of drag? 

It was just the way that everything worked, I had my drag which was secondary. I had my full-time job, which paid really well, and then that secondary income. Not only that, I won Drag Race, so I won an awful lot of money. But I don’t think people realise that if I had not won that money, I would not have got to here, I could not have afforded it. And that's what happens to a lot of these Drag Race girls. I was just reading an article about Lexi Love on the new [US] season, who ended up taking a second mortgage on her house to pay for outfits to compete because it's reputations on the line. 

You’ve already invested that much money into just being part of the show. And then you come out of it, and you’ve got a debt, then you're working to pay off the debt. When I look at what I've had to invest in myself... every cent has gone there, I haven't bought anything extravagant, it’s all towards pushing the dream. And it's tougher Down Under too, because we just don’t get the commercial opportunities. You want to keep fighting for your dream, but you’re facing reality at the same time... 

It's been a tough journey from Drag Race too – the edit, in particular. That's definitely me, that's who I am, but it's also not a very good representation of a person all the time. I'm a little bit more blunt, a little bit more fucking real than the heartwarmingness of it all. So going into the world and having that expectation on my back already... It is who I am, I'm the queen of the people. I will give every second of my time to everybody, and to the point of my detriment, but trying to give everybody everything every time when you're already on –50 was extremely exhausting. 

Do you mean people expecting the ‘maternal’ Spankie? 

Everybody expected me to literally hold them. And I did. That's the problem, I literally did. I had ones whose families had disowned them, crying in the toilet in my arms. That's who I am, I will sit with the homeless person outside and I will listen to their story and buy them a pie. And when you've been given such a gift to win something like this – I looked at it like I had reached my dream as a child, it wasn't [just] about Drag Race, it was so much more than that – I found a responsibility to pay back the gift to the world. Because that's why I do this. I do it because I want to make the world a better place.  

What kind of toll does that take on you?  

See, that’s the thing, I hadn’t been through that before. That was the toughest part of this, the amount of exhaustion you actually go through. I went from full-time work to quitting two weeks before winning, went on a solo tour, six cities in six days by myself, arrived in Sydney, had two days' rest, press, then won. Won!  

[That first year] was like a freight train and you had to just continue, to go. It was a crazy mind-blowing year of fun but by the end of it, by god, I was exhausted. Then this last year has been different because the girls (Hannah and Kween) have moved on to different projects. I've gone on to do my sold out Australian tour and New Zealand tour, which was all about timing as well. It's about longevity and showing I've got more shit in this bag than a lot of people... 

Then you're on the road by yourself and that’s a massive change. It's all you, all the time. You go from working as a trio to a solo world, so it's a different struggle and a different battle. You don't have that support base there and it is a lonely road. So, you start to notice it more. Living out of a suitcase is awful, I hate it. I'm such a home person. I literally should’ve been a housewife in the country... 

And I'm an over analyser. I will analyse every situation. How can I have done it better? What could I have changed? What do I learn from it? What am I doing? Why am I so awful? I went through a period of that, where I would walk out to do my shows, completely sold out, and I'm standing on the side of the stage like, ‘I don't want to do this’. I literally could have run out the door. And then of course the music starts and I walk into the light...  

When you do step out and the show starts, did you enjoy it then? 

Photographer: TNS Studios / Designer: Bryncostume {Image description: Spankie is dressed in a full-length red gown, posing in front of red velvet curtains}

Well, that's what changed. I started to really hate it. It was like, can this hour just be over? And that was a really big change for something that I love so much and brings me so much joy. That's when I knew I was exhausted, when I was like, okay, we need a break. I had a seven-week break, which was great. I did absolutely nothing and became a hermit. And then went straight back out into the solo tour of New Zealand.  

As we've gone, it's been great, but the solo tour was self-funded so that was highly stressful. New Zealand's a very different market when it comes to that. The same show, 270 people sold out across Australia. In New Zealand, I did under 100 seats on purpose and then you're freaking out the week before thinking, fuck, am I'm gonna have to cancel the gig? I didn't have to, which was great, but we didn't sell out.  

That was an eye opener too for me, which was kind of soul crushing, that I just don't think New Zealand's quite behind me the way I would have thought. Like, okay, maybe this country doesn't actually appreciate what I do for it, it's not gonna happen here, otherwise it would’ve by now. Whereas Australia is my second home – I’m half Australian, I might as well be, it's in my soul.  

Have you considered moving to Australia again?  

Well, it's one of those things I’ve been exploring... I would look at a ‘six months on, six months off’ kind of basis. The thing is, I love staying here. I've just moved in with my parents – I literally come here, unpack my bag, sleep, then repack it and fuck off again. I love coming back to Fielding because it’s so quiet, it's just a tiny rural country town that knows the seven-foot drag queen. It's so funny and outrageous, but I grew up here, I went to school with these people. They've grown up now, they've got their kids, the whole community is behind me.  

It's lovely to come home from the madness because it's part of your soul. It's like when people go home for Christmas, they have those little epiphanies. Every corner's a different memory. Every street’s a different feeling. So, it's nice to come home from the craziness. Plus my parents are getting older, so I worry about that too. The world is changing at a really fast rate, families are doing it tough. Mum works. I work. Dad's retired. So, if Mum was to get ill, how does that look? 

I think there probably will be a move, but not a permanent one. It might help me find a man, to be honest – the fathers in Fielding aren't exactly screaming queens, you know what I mean? 

I’ve heard you talk about wanting to be in a relationship, but the drag lifestyle not being compatible... 

The thing is, I don't want a fucking drag husband. I don't want you there with the matching outfit with me at the gig. I just don't. Please stay home. Go fishing. Fix something. Fix something or if you want to help, set up the booth then fuck off home, let me do my job.  

[My first long-term partner] hated it, just didn’t like me doing it, the second one loved it too much. That was traumatic and a long time ago, 17 years ago, and I haven't been in a relationship since. There's a lot of things to take on. It's my business, it's my job. I'm looking for somebody responsible. I don't want you sitting at the end of the bar worrying about what I'm doing. I've got my ass hanging out, don't worry, it's coming home. I'm too old for that shit now.  

But I guess it's also comes down to type – the man I'm looking for is looking for a man like me, but ten years younger. He's looking for a twink. I’m not that now. I'm still dolphin-smooth, but I'm not that now, I'm a six-foot giant. It's tough out here for ho and in New Zealand, these guys, it's like there's not enough worldliness in them.  

Drag is also, more traditionally, not something that's seen as very attractive in a man. All gay men love a rougher, straighter man, they just do. But who fucking knows? I think men just need to get a bloody grip, to be honest. 

Someone's out there. They are. I just haven't met them yet. I'm never put in the position because I'm always working. Especially when I am travelling, because I'm in drag as well, I'm not out there partying or meeting people as a man. So, if you've seen me at the airport or if you've seen me in a public toilet... maybe not there... if you've seen me at McDonald's and you want to say hi, just fucking come say hi. Like honestly, I wouldn't even bite. Well, I would, but you know what I mean... 

You’ve spoken about the flip side too, that people can fetishise the drag persona... 

This happened to me after I won. I was seeing a guy and it turned out it was all about wanting me for who I was, not who I am. That was another thing that was soul crushing because I was like, ‘Oh fuck, I can have it all,’ and then it was literally using me just to be seen. And of course, you get the ones who are fans and it's like collecting trophies and I'm not into that at all. So that creates this fucking void. Where are these men that a) don't give a fuck and b) have their heads screwed on? I couldn’t give a fuck what you do for a job – if you're working and you're happy, I don't care. Just have a personality and some balls. Because I'm a very strong person, so you’re going to have your hands full, let's be real. 

What brings you joy outside of drag?  

That is a really loaded question. Drag used to be the outlet for my frustration because I was so flamboyant as a kid. I still am, but not as much now, it's settled because there's the outlet for Spankie, an outrageous kind of outlet – and Blair became more of the man that I am today because of finding that outlet. But that outlet changed. It became my job, which was also another adjustment. So, I haven't found that [new joy] yet. I love to write music. I love to create. I love making social media videos. That's what I’m trying to focus on this year, finding an outlet for my fun because drag is still fun, but not like it used to be. There's less freedom and more expectation now. When you're at a certain level, the expectation has changed. For me, I love to wing it – I love to wing it because every night is different, I'm really good at reading people, I'm great at reading a crowd – but sometimes that's not possible.  

And I think the fandom sucks a lot of the fucking fun out of it, to be honest. It's been awful to see what Kween went through with her run [on RuPaul’s Drag Race: Global All Stars]. It's just awful. You suck the fucking life out of it and at the end of the day, we're just people who have invested our own money to compete in a TV show, to win some money because of something we love. Then, just to have all these fucking people who think they know better rip you down on the other side... that's also sucking the fun out of it. 

It seems like that kind of trolling culture is increasing in intensity? 

I think this is a product of a generation of children who probably should have been spanked. That's my first thing. This is a generation of children who grew up in a time where everybody gets a medal for participating, and unfortunately, that's not how the world works. So, people think that because you have the freedom to write your thoughts, this gives them licence. I don't even understand why people do it. To me, the way social media should be used is how you treat somebody in real life. That’s it. Full stop. If you can't say it to my face, don't sit behind a keyboard and type your ‘shoulda-coulda-wouldas’. 

The problem is that it comes from a fandom of people who supposedly love what we do, yet love to incite so much hate and ill will. It’s just so disgraceful. Why the fuck would we want to keep doing it for people like that? It's awful. I think we've got a whole generation of kids who are so self-entitled and I don't mean that in a nasty way. It's the truth, everything was handed to them in a different way and technology has made them think they know it all, [have] seen it all, done it all. You seem to think it's your right to say something so horrible about somebody you don't even know, about competing on a show that you’ve never competed on. Also, the racism is fucking disgusting. Have we not moved on from here? I just find us going backwards more and more and then, seeing those comments, there's a lot of hate.  

Have you received much online hate? 

Photographer: TNS Studios / Designer: Bryncostume {Image description: Spankie is dressed in a lime green bodysuit, gloves and over-the-knee boots, and wearing a long blonde wig – looking sultry as hell}

I've been very lucky. People write comments, but I just write smart-arse comments back. I really don't give a fuck. By all means, say what you’ve got to say, but I really don't care at the end of the day. You do take in some of those comments, you absolutely do. There could be 7000 comments saying, ‘You're amazing,’ and two comments like, ‘You're the fucking ugliest person’ or ‘You are so tragic, you don't deserve to win’ – they are the comments that do circulate in your head. But I use them as fire instead. They'll circulate but I'll use them – I'm going to show you, motherfucker – and that's how I've approached this whole time. 

Having lots of life experience, I imagine it's easier to have that perspective... 

100%. I've always been a self-reflector. I think that can sometimes be a blessing and sometimes be a curse. I am a bit of an old soul, I'm really good at people and watching different things that people do and why they've done them and how they became that way. That's one of the biggest fascinations to me and you're exactly right, not everybody is that. Not everybody does sit there and think, ‘How could I have changed that? What do I learn from this?’  

Then there's also how you were brought up. Some people don't look at life like that or can't sit outside themselves. But it's an age thing too. You go through a lot. I've been in the scene, I've learnt a lot, I've been through a lot, I've been through the gutter and out the other side. There's probably nothing you could throw at me that I wouldn't have been through. Age plays a different factor in that and even my parents said, if this had happened to me in my 20s, they would have been really concerned. So, I'm very lucky that I won in this time frame.  

Do you use any kind of mental health strategies when you are struggling? 

Well, all of my things are terrible. Have a smoke. Get drunk. Get shitfaced and eat your feelings. That's kind of my path, but no... I'm not a huge star sign person, but I'm a Scorpio, so the water has always been a place of reflection for me. Whether there is a tiny fountain or a lake, it could be by the river, the ocean, anywhere that there's water, even a pool. I find that having that there, the sound of running water, is a good place to breathe and process where you're at.  

The first thing is step back from the situation, which is something I learned from my dad. I was always in the drama with the girls, and he’d be like, ‘It's not your fucking problem. Why are you involving yourself?’ And I learned to step back from it. His biggest thing was always, when you go into big meetings or it's emotional, ‘separate the emotion’. And once you can separate the emotion, you can start to process – ‘okay, well, this is what's happened here’. You put the puzzle pieces back together and say, ‘well, here's plan a, plan b, plan c, plan d’ and sometimes you’ve just got to flip a coin... 

And good people. Connection is really important and unfortunately, I don't get a lot of that [face-to-face]. We used to have Friday night meals – Sluts and Salads. It was Spag and Drag, but we decided to lose weight, so it was Sluts and Salads Friday and we'd watch Drag Race. That led the manifestation of this happening – we used to sit there and watch and talk about what would happen when I won. And here we are. So, it's all those connection points, having a laugh with people you love. It's great on a phone, but it's not the same when you're not present. 

Is there anything that came out of Drag Race Down Under you were surprised by? 

I didn't expect to go through this emotional rollercoaster, to be honest. I'm a really strong person, I've never second guessed myself, I've always known where I was going, what I was doing. I think the biggest surprise of all was the pressure I put on myself after the show, that led to a whole lot of feelings I've never experienced before, like impostor syndrome – standing there and thinking, ‘I don't belong here’, rooms I've entered feeling, ‘I don't belong here’. And I have always known that I, of all the people in the fucking world, belong here. 

All that second guessing and stressing and hating it, that's all part of the process. I was down for a little bit because I was like, how the fuck did we get here? But it’s preparing me, I've got a good feeling about this year. It's awful and painful and real and it does make you start looking at a lot of things, but what it's actually done is set me up in a better position mentally, to be able to look at things clearly and make more definitive decisions based on actual reality. It's all been part of the process, so I feel more positive about it... 

I think it’s great you were able to take that space for yourself... 

It's awful because if I'm going through it, I'll completely recluse. Friends who know me well enough know, I just don't want to talk to anybody. I spend my life talking to people, so I go into, ‘I'll deal with it myself’. I also don't want to be a burden on other people because I am such a light or joy to other people, the last thing I want to do is come and be that person on them. That's not what we're here for, people! 

As someone who's followed you for a while, there's something connecting about being transparent about hard times. I don’t need you to be ‘Happy Spankie’ all the time... 

I appreciate that. That's the shame side of it. To have so much great happen, and to be so grateful for it, it almost feels ungrateful to talk like that when there are people in the world that are literally struggling. To be a person who has opportunity in front of me, to then sit there and complain, feels like the biggest slap in the face. I don't ever want to be that person.  

But I totally get what you're saying because the other thing – actually it's probably what I learnt the most – was that everything that was ever a fear of mine, of shit happening or coming out or whatever... what I learnt was that all of that shit could never hurt me ever again because it's my power. It got me here, bitch. I think that was probably the biggest lesson... never let your fears rule your life because at the end of the day they’re actually your power. 

And sometimes you’ve got to listen to your own fucking advice. I hear that sometimes and I hear my own words come out and I think, ‘Fuck! You should just listen to your own bloody advice’. And I think that's the key for 2025... Listen to your own advice. 

What's coming up in 2025? 

I filmed a documentary last year, so I’m trying to get that finished...  It's actually based around the full-circle moment of bringing my solo show home to New Zealand, back to Palmerston North, but not only that – to the theatre I did my first dancing competition in, did shows with my parents in, got the call to be on Drag Race in. I'm getting goosebumps now... It's turned into a lot more than I ever expected. It's all about my drag mother, my mum and dad, my drag sisters, old teachers – all people who were really here for the story of my solo show. It’s the real-life story of the little homo from Fielding, all the way to the big stage and bringing it home.  

Photograph provided by the People's Mothertucker {Image description: Out of drag here, Blair is wearing a yellow basketball jersey and smiling at the camera}

Then this year is Spankie’s music era. It's time. People have been asking me for a while, why I haven't brought any music out and it's all about longevity. We can't do everything all at once. It’s been a struggle, but we're not finished yet and I'm not fucking giving up. So, I don't know what it is, but I can taste it and it's just there, so I’m going for it... 

Interview by JJ Loveday

*This interview has been edited for length and clarity